2006 / Frank Sebastiano > One would think that a film such as this simply could not disappoint, but how wrong they would be. Really, I expected a laugh or two, but instead I felt a gnawing in my stomach in the absence of any. (Every time I snickered, though, I felt a tinge of guilt because it wasn’t really the jokes I found myself laughing at, but rather at how ridiculous it all was.) More surprising, even, is how the film didn’t go straight to DVD, considering its dismal two week outing in theatres and yet another failed comeback by the Karate Kid.

2006 / M. Night Shyamalan > Similar to The Fountain, Lady in the Water went through development hell before finally making its way onto the big screen. At the very least, we should respect that, and admire Shyamalan for standing by his own personal vision. However, the absurdity that is instilled in the film makes its brethren look quite sharp and educated. Shyamalan executes a sort of deus ex machina in his storytelling technique, pulling strings out of thin air to get the story to work magically. While it’s meant to be a fairy tale in itself, it discredits the traditional fairy tale by taking the suspense and initial disbelief out of all that is wondrous. By the end, little seems to have been gained from the adventure, and we find ourselves idling away, connecting dots that have already been numbered. Viewers are not this passive.

2006 / Clint Eastwood > What can I say? Paul Haggis is one of the most skillful writers in Hollywood when it comes to manipulative, contrived scripts that base their sole existence on every cliche in the book. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I did find myself having a tough time not walking out of this unnecessarily melodramatic drivel that just about drove me to laughter at many of its most “critical” points.

Flags of Our Fathers has a story behind it that could have been brilliantly approached with a level of subtlely and intelligence that would have made it a surefire Oscar candidate. Similar to Saving Private Ryan, it had the capability of being a poignant war allegory. However, Haggis (and arguably Eastwood) filled the film with enough sewage to destroy any message it could have represented.

This is the worst film I have seen in theatres this year. The war sequences, while beautifully done, were pointless and, amazingly, just boring. I cared about none of the characters, and there was only one good sequence of dialogue and two scenes where I felt any real emotion—which, coincidentally, where both contrived beyond belief. This is disappointment that I cannot explain. A great story mistold. One can only hope Letters From Iwo Jima does not suffer the same fate.

2006 / Mark Neveldine & Brian Taylor > The MPAA advises audiences for strong violence, pervasive language, sexuality, nudity and drug use in Crank. While all of these positively contribute to the feel of this Jason Statham vehicle, none of these could have saved it from falling flat on its face. The plot is a gimmick, the story is bland and, with the exception of a sequence or two, there’s little here that’s memorable.

2006 / Nick Guthe > The initial premise is intriguing: Rebellious teenage girl starts moonlighting as an escort girl only to find herself in a hotel room with her step-father. Unfortunately, the film peaks 10 minutes into the story, and while the opening credits were some of the snazziest I’ve seen in a while, Mini’s First Time descends into a predictable and cliche’d storyline,wasting a solid performance from Alec Baldwin and a very effective one from Carrie-Anne Moss. Also, Nikki Reed, who plays the lead and co-wrote the teen drama Thirteen, is someone to keep on the radar (and hope she keeps herself off The O.C.’s).